CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

Dear Diary,

Did you ever FALL for someone you know you shouldn't? Tried hard to FIGHT your feelings, but you just couldn't? You FALL deeper with each passing day, but you try to HIDE it in every possible way. S/he's only a FRIEND, and nothing else--That's the LIE you keeping telling yourself. You keep on saying s/he's just a bud, but deep inside, you're FALLING IN LOVE. You get so GIDDY when you MEET his/her EYES, but you keep reminding yourself it isn't RIGHT. Perhaps it’s not RIGHT because the TIME is wrong or perhaps s/he’s your STUDENT or perhaps she’s your CLIENT or PATIENT or somebody social structures or society or culture does not PERMIT you to BE WITH. But despite all what is wrong, a simple GLANCE turns into a long STARE, yet you PRETEND that you don't CARE about her in “that way”. You remind yourself that it's "NOT RIGHT" for you two to be TOGETHER, so you try to HIDE it so no one can see. But how long can/will you PRETEND and keep LYING that she's just a FRIEND? Your budding FRIENDSHIP can't be RISKED over this, so being her GUY is an impossible WISH and you want to LET GO even before it “STARTS” but it HURTS to LET GO.

Sometimes it seems the harder you try to HOLD ON to something or someone the more it wants to get away. You feel like some kind of CRIMINAL for having FELT, for having WANTED. For having WANTED to be WANTED. It CONFUSES you, because you think that your FEELINGS are/were WRONG and it makes you feel so SMALL because it's so hard to keep it INSIDE when you let it out and it doesn't come back. You're left so ALONE bottled up in a FEELING so DEEP that you can't explain. Damn, there's nothing like that, is there? I've been there and perhaps you have too. You're probably nodding your head…

Indeed, it’s FUNNY how we’re all SEEKING that SPECIAL person who is RIGHT for us. But if you’ve been through enough RELATIONSHIPS, you begin to SUSPECT that there’s no RIGHT person, just different FLAVORS of WRONG! Why is this? Because you yourself are wrong in some way, and you seek out PARTNERS who are WRONG in some COMPLEMENTARY way. But it takes a lot of LIVING to GROW fully into your own WRONGNESS. And it isn’t until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems—the ones that make you TRULY who you are—that we’re ready to find a LIFELONG mate. Only then do you finally know what you’re looking for. You’re actually looking for the WRONG person. But not just any wrong person: the RIGHT wrong person—someone you lovingly gaze upon and think, “This is the problem I want to have.” I will find that special person who is WRONG for me in just the RIGHT way. Let our scars fall in love!”