CHAPTER THIRTEEN

DEAR DIARY,

Have you ever had a DREAM that seems so REAL that when you woke up, you didn’t know what to BELIEVE? What will you do if what you thought was TRUE wasn’t? And what you thought wasn’t true was? Will you TRADE your DREAMS with the HOPE of finding a more PERFECT REALITY?

In my dreams MISS PERKY SLENDER gave me her heart but reality dawned and I realized it truly belongs to someone else. In my dreams we were never apart but reality dawned and our hearts were miles apart. In my dreams she kept me close. In my dreams she loved me the most but reality dawned and she loves someone else. In my dreams we're always together... but reality dawned and I was RIDING SOLO! Indeed, she can hear my voice but she can’t hear it TREMBLING. She can feel my touch but not my heart pounding. She sees me as I AM but not as I SEE HER. In silence, I’m screaming, “I LOVE YOU.”

I don't know which is WORSE, keeping your LOVE for someone a SECRET or telling them and risking being REJECTED?

Indeed, it really HURTS to FALL IN LOVE with your friend. You keep on hiding your FEELINGS, suppressing or avoiding them as much as you can until you CRY your heart out from fear of LOSING a FRIEND and a LOVE you never really had!!

Today, I let the OPEN SECRET out by telling Miss Perky how I really feel about her but she made her point clear to me that the feeling she feels for me isn’t the feeling a girl normally feels when she feels that feeling like having BUTTERFLIES IN THE STOMACH!

But I know that it’s HER! Because she means everything to me... she is the first thought in my head in the morning when I wake up; my last thought before I go to bed. She smiles at me in my DREAMS, when she’s SAD, I feel sad too, when she cries, her tears stain my heart and when I see her smile, I feel incredible, like there is no other thing around and all I can see is HER! I most often catch myself constantly wondering how she is, sitting alone with my mind set so far, and reminiscing about her infectious smile, her voice and touch. Damn this life!

I know you may be wondering, what’s the point in LOVING when the one you LOVE doesn't/can’t love you? Why waste time waiting for someone when you aren't the one she's WAITING for? Why MISS someone who probably never even THINKS of you? Why bother to CARE so much for a person who barely cares for you? Why do I love when she can't love me too?

The thing is I can't get her out of my mind, I keep thinking of how much I love talking to her and listening to her talk... how good she looks when she smiles and her dimples show, how much I love her laugh... I day-dream about her off and on, replaying pieces of our conversation, laughing at funny things that she said or did... I've memorized her face and the way that she looks at me... I catch myself smiling again at what I imagine... With every moment we share, every smile, every touch/contact, I become more certain that in her, I've found something I've looked for a very long time. I don't know what the future holds, but I do know how much LOVING her EXCITES me and how incredibly HAPPY I feel when I'm with her…that's more than enough huh?

I believe offering somebody FRIENDSHIP when the person is obviously HEAD OVER HEALS in LOVE with you is like offering somebody BREAD when the person is really THIRSTY!! And it's hard to LOVE someone who's in love with someone else, you have to ignore the pain and swallow your pride. Just to be a FRIEND... I'd rather be her LOVER than her FRIEND, but MOST IMPORTANTLY, I'd rather be her FRIEND (and believe that sometimes friendship last longer than love) than her NOBODY!

Most importantly, I choose to love her in silence for in silence I find no REJECTION. I choose to love her in loneliness for in loneliness no one owns her but me. I choose to adore her from a distance for distance will shield me from PAIN. I choose to kiss her in the wind for the wind is gentler than my lips. I choose to hold her in my dreams for in my dreams, she & I have no END or LIMIT!!