CHAPTER SIXTEEN

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

Dear Diary,

Do you ever WONDER if we make the MOMENTS in our LIVES or if the moments in our lives MAKE us? If you could go back in TIME and CHANGE one thing about your LIFE, would you? And if you did, would that CHANGE make your life BETTER or would that change ultimately BREAK YOUR HEART or break the heart of ANOTHER? Would you choose an entirely different PATH? Or would you change just one thing, just one moment that you always wanted back?

Our lives are made up of a million MOMENTS, spent in a million different ways. Some are spent searching for LOVE, PEACE and HARMONY. Others are spent SURVIVING day to day. But there is no greater moment than when we find that life — with all its JOYS and SORROWS — is meant to be lived one day at a time.

Diary, I know I’ve gone SILENT on you for quite some time now. A lot of things have happened since we last TALKED. I must say I have been very BUSY with work and school. But regardless of how busy I’ve been the drama or LOVE-HATE relationship with MISS PERKY SLENDER and I never cease to unfold. The last time we talked (Chapter 15), I was contemplating LETTING GO off her because honestly sometimes I feel LOVING her is like HUGGING a CACTUS, because it seems the tighter I hug (LOVE) her, the GREATER the PAIN!

The drama between she and I intensified when I discovered the contents of her DIARY that fateful Wednesday morning. After reading what she’s written about me, the PAIN, DISAPPOINTMENT, SHAME and HEARTBREAK I felt cannot be put in words. I wished the ground I was standing on had broken into two halves and just swallowed me up! I found myself wondering how FUNNY it was sometimes, that the MEMORIES we CHERISH before a breakup or HEARTBREAK can suddenly become OUR WORST NIGHTMARES afterwards. The THOUGHTS we LOVED to think about, the MEMORIES we wanted to HOLD UP TO THE LIGHT AND VIEW FROM EVERY ANGLE--it suddenly seems a lot SAFER to lock them in a box, FAR FROM THE LIGHT OF DAY AND THROW AWAY THE KEY! Indeed we all search for LOVE, but sometimes some of us after we found it, WISH WE HADN'T!                                         To make matters worse, I was scheduled to write a very important EXAM at 12pm that very day, the content of her diary about me was so disparaging that I wished I had never met her! How could somebody who calls me a FRIEND write such DESPICABLE things about me?! Anyway, I got to the exam center 30 minutes late but I was allowed to write it, the results came a week later and I had scored the LOWEST mark in my class.

In as much as she constantly gives me enough reason to cut her LOOSE and let go off her, I always remind myself that EVERYBODY IS WORTH MORE THAN THEIR WORST ACT! Sometimes, FATE has a cruel way of putting things together. In most cases, we tend to FEEL it's better if we just GIVE UP when there's no point in FIGHTING for something anymore. Indeed, when the ship has finally sailed, only a FOOL would go after it when it's already miles away. But sometimes, isn’t it a lot better to be a FOOL to go after what we really WANT and NEED, rather than to REGRET everything in the end because we never even tried or tried harder?! After all, after all this time, the sun never says to the earth, "YOU OWE ME." Look what happens with a love like that? It lights the whole sky! So why should I throw away my chance of being HAPPY just because of her faulty opinion of me?

The truth is, in my experience & growing up, I've been WALKED on, USED & FORGOTTEN & I don't REGRET one moment of it because in those moments, I've LEARNED a lot. I've learned who I can TRUST & who I can't. I've learned the MEANING OF FRIENDSHIP. I've learned how to tell when people are LYING & when they're SINCERE. I've learned how to be a TEENAGER, & how/when to GROW UP when need be. I've been to HELL AND BACK a few times, & I WON'T EVER TAKE WHAT I HAVE FOR GRANTED.

I will always be like a PAPER upon which MISS PERKY can write her innermost THOUGHTS and FEELINGS, scribble her ANGER and FRUSTRATIONS, use me to absorb her TEARS and dry her eyes, but I PRAY and HOPE she doesn’t throw me away after USING ME because when winter comes and she’s feeling COLD, I wouldn’t mind BURNING myself to WARM her! And if LIGHTNING strikes, I'd cover my HEART so when it strike me, I'd FALL HAPPILY knowing I protected her by SECURING the special place where she’s always been (ie my HEART).

One day, we might forget the people that once came to our lives. But I know that when that day comes, I won't forget MISS PERKY SLENDER. Because she didn't just come into my LIFE, she became a BIG PART of it!

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

Dear Diary,

Isn't it funny how we sometimes hang on to something we know we're better off LETTING GO? It's like we're SCARED to LOSE what we don't even really have. Some of us say we rather have that SOMETHING than absolutely NOTHING. But the truth is: to have it halfway is harder than not having it all.

Sometimes you think you're already OVER the person but once you see him/her SMILE, you suddenly realize that you're only pretending to be over him/her in a desperate attempt to EASE THE PAIN. Indeed, you can HIDE the PAIN that you feel and make others believe you can easily move on but you can never DENY the TRUTH to yourself that the person who has failed and hurt you is still the person you'll always LOVE.

It's been nine days since I said “I just can't deal with the PAIN” of holding on to MISS PERKY SLENDER… But the truth is, even if you can shut your eyes to the things you don't want to see, can you really close your heart to the things you don't want to FEEL? I don't think so, because to me, trying to forget someone you TRULY LOVE is like trying to remember somebody you don't really know or never even met, and when I say "I LOVE HER," it's not because I want her or because I can't have her. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. I love what/who she is, what she does, how she tries in all she does. I've seen her kindness and her strength. I've seen the best and the worst of her. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly who/what she is. SHE'S A HELL OF A WOMAN!! How can I easily forget her when she's always on my mind? How can I ignore her when she's all I want inside? How can I easily let her go when I can't see us apart or imagine my life without her? How can I not love her when she still controls my heart & makes every beat worth the thump? How can i not love her when she makes me smile without trying. It's the way she makes me laugh by the simplest of things. It's the way her eyes shine when she's excited. It's the way she mentions my name. It's the way she gets giddy over the smallest things. It's the way she talks to me. It's the way she makes me feel alive & hearty. It's the way she's broken my defenses and totally got me falling. That's just but a few of the innumerable reasons why its gotta be YOU.

They say to LOVE someone is supposed to be the most wonderful FEELING. It should INSPIRE you and give you JOY and STRENGTH, but isn't it rather ironic that sometimes the things that give you JOY & strength can actually hurt you in the end? I guess LOVE doesn't always SUCCEED. But it always TEACHES us to let go if we can no longer HOLD ON.

 Indeed, it's not easy to live life sometimes and face the world with a SMILE when you're CRYING inside. And though letting go of someone DEAR to you is hard, holding on to someone who doesn't even FEEL the same is much HARDER. It is really painful to say GOODBYE to someone you really can't/don't want to LET GO, but it is even more PAINFUL to ask the person to stay when you know you can never make it work out the way it should be..

To me, to let go isn't to forget, not think about, or ignore. It doesn't leave feelings of ANGER, JEALOUSY, or REGRET. Letting go isn't WINNING, and it isn't LOSING either. It's not about PRIDE, and it's not about how you APPEAR, and it's not obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go isn't blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and doesn't leave EMPTINESS, HURT or SADNESS. It's not GIVING IN or GIVING UP. Letting go isn't about LOSS, and it's not DEFEAT. To let go is to CHERISH MEMORIES, but to overcome and to MOVE ON. It is having an open mind and confidence in the future. Letting go is ACCEPTING. It is learning and experiencing and growing. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you LAUGH, made you CRY and made you GROW. It's about all that you have, all that you had and all that you will soon GAIN. Letting go is having the courage to ACCEPT CHANGE, and the strength to keep moving. Letting go is GROWING UP. It is realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy. To let go is to open a door, and to clear a path and to set YOURSELF FREE!

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Dear Diary,

They say the sweetest word is "I LOVE YOU." and the hardest is "GOODBYE." But what if you discovered that he/she doesn't really LOVE/want you? Would you choose the bitterness of GOODBYE or choose the SWEETEST LIE?

Two days before today, Miss Perky & I agreed that we’d ride on the same bus to go check on her mum; I have been looking forward to this two hour trip with her and even proceeded to cancel out all my prior engagements only for her to call at the eleventh hour to cancel out on me. Apparently, the “object of her interest” also wanted to see her the same time we had planned to make the trip together. I decided to drown my tears by watching movies all day, at about 5pm; she called to tell me all about how she & the “object of her interest” had spent the whole day consummating their love! Gosh, at that instant, I just didn’t know whether I should be HAPPY for her because her seemingly dysfunctional relationship is finally getting back on track, or I should CRY because I may never get the chance to go out with her!

I mean seriously? Isn’t it FUNNY how someone can HURT you so much, and they don't even realize what they are doing to you? I am perfectly HAPPY being her FRIEND, in fact I LOVE it... I just have this incredible urge to KISS her, that doesn't go away... and this UNCONTROLLABLY STRONG FEELING that we would be PERFECT together.

It’s funny how, one day you look at the person and you see something more than you did the day/night before. Like a switch has been flicked somewhere. And the person who was supposed to be just a FRIEND is suddenly the only person you can ever imagine yourself with. And, the hardest part is being around her knowing you can't have her and she may never want you the way you want her to want you.

Lately, I feel like letting go. That the grasp that I have tried to hold onto so tightly for so long - I finally feel like it’s best to let go... perhaps one day she will come back to me, perhaps she won't... all I know is that I may never hold onto someone that tightly ever again! It’s ironic how sometimes the one love you can't seem to get over is the one love you never really had.

Even though I love MISS PERKY so much, I just can't deal with the PAIN. And, the times we spent together, holding/hugging each other, talking about everything & nothing at all, were one of the BEST TIMES of my life. But no matter how much I wanted to keep her in my arms, I couldn't. I couldn't hold on to her, knowing that all she was most likely going to do was hurt me. I used to think that if I LOVED her ENOUGH, she would realize it and love me back, but I can only LOVE SO MUCH FOR SO LONG!

 

 

 

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

DEAR DIARY,

Have you ever had a DREAM that seems so REAL that when you woke up, you didn’t know what to BELIEVE? What will you do if what you thought was TRUE wasn’t? And what you thought wasn’t true was? Will you TRADE your DREAMS with the HOPE of finding a more PERFECT REALITY?

In my dreams MISS PERKY SLENDER gave me her heart but reality dawned and I realized it truly belongs to someone else. In my dreams we were never apart but reality dawned and our hearts were miles apart. In my dreams she kept me close. In my dreams she loved me the most but reality dawned and she loves someone else. In my dreams we're always together... but reality dawned and I was RIDING SOLO! Indeed, she can hear my voice but she can’t hear it TREMBLING. She can feel my touch but not my heart pounding. She sees me as I AM but not as I SEE HER. In silence, I’m screaming, “I LOVE YOU.”

I don't know which is WORSE, keeping your LOVE for someone a SECRET or telling them and risking being REJECTED?

Indeed, it really HURTS to FALL IN LOVE with your friend. You keep on hiding your FEELINGS, suppressing or avoiding them as much as you can until you CRY your heart out from fear of LOSING a FRIEND and a LOVE you never really had!!

Today, I let the OPEN SECRET out by telling Miss Perky how I really feel about her but she made her point clear to me that the feeling she feels for me isn’t the feeling a girl normally feels when she feels that feeling like having BUTTERFLIES IN THE STOMACH!

But I know that it’s HER! Because she means everything to me... she is the first thought in my head in the morning when I wake up; my last thought before I go to bed. She smiles at me in my DREAMS, when she’s SAD, I feel sad too, when she cries, her tears stain my heart and when I see her smile, I feel incredible, like there is no other thing around and all I can see is HER! I most often catch myself constantly wondering how she is, sitting alone with my mind set so far, and reminiscing about her infectious smile, her voice and touch. Damn this life!

I know you may be wondering, what’s the point in LOVING when the one you LOVE doesn't/can’t love you? Why waste time waiting for someone when you aren't the one she's WAITING for? Why MISS someone who probably never even THINKS of you? Why bother to CARE so much for a person who barely cares for you? Why do I love when she can't love me too?

The thing is I can't get her out of my mind, I keep thinking of how much I love talking to her and listening to her talk... how good she looks when she smiles and her dimples show, how much I love her laugh... I day-dream about her off and on, replaying pieces of our conversation, laughing at funny things that she said or did... I've memorized her face and the way that she looks at me... I catch myself smiling again at what I imagine... With every moment we share, every smile, every touch/contact, I become more certain that in her, I've found something I've looked for a very long time. I don't know what the future holds, but I do know how much LOVING her EXCITES me and how incredibly HAPPY I feel when I'm with her…that's more than enough huh?

I believe offering somebody FRIENDSHIP when the person is obviously HEAD OVER HEALS in LOVE with you is like offering somebody BREAD when the person is really THIRSTY!! And it's hard to LOVE someone who's in love with someone else, you have to ignore the pain and swallow your pride. Just to be a FRIEND... I'd rather be her LOVER than her FRIEND, but MOST IMPORTANTLY, I'd rather be her FRIEND (and believe that sometimes friendship last longer than love) than her NOBODY!

Most importantly, I choose to love her in silence for in silence I find no REJECTION. I choose to love her in loneliness for in loneliness no one owns her but me. I choose to adore her from a distance for distance will shield me from PAIN. I choose to kiss her in the wind for the wind is gentler than my lips. I choose to hold her in my dreams for in my dreams, she & I have no END or LIMIT!!

CHAPTER TWELVE

DEAR DIARY,

Have you ever wondered which hurts the most-LOVING SOMEONE YOU CAN'T HAVE AND HAVING SOMEONE YOU CAN'T LOVE? Have you ever met someone whom you feel LOVING is like trying to touch a star, because you know you can never reach him/her, but you can't help but try?? Have you ever wished for LOVE by day, and dream about it at night, but it seems as though you may never find it. Then all of the sudden it comes. All that you've wished and dreamed for is there, just a hundredfold better. And you know that nothing you could have ever imagined could compare to the way you feel when you're with this person, but she's already taken!

Today, MISS PERKY SLENDER passed by my place and though she was smiling all through, I knew she didn't MEAN it. I realized She misses how THEY used to be... she misses how it was so REAL, how they CARED for each other without END but most of all, she misses him always being there and telling her everything will be OKAY because she NEEDS that now, more than ever. 

When she started singing SUPERHUMAN by CHRIS BROWN & KERI HILSON, I saw in her eyes that she's sick of FEELING like something's MISSING! She sits alone or covers herself with her big bed sheet so nobody sees the tears that fall, nobody understands, or feels her pain. I would have told that I'll never know what it's truly like to be her. But I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in or have it all, but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside!

Indeed, it's painful to see whom you LOVE/wish were yours happy with someone else but there is nothing more PAINFUL than the sight of someone whom you LOVE/wish were yours CRYING for someone else! I guess it's true what they say that for every HEART that finds LOVE, there is a heart that CRIES, For every dream that is re-born there is a dream that dies, For every day in sunlight, there is a day of rain, For every hour filled with joy there is an hour of pain, For every smile upon a face there is a tear to cry!

I really wanna be the guy to dry her tears. I wanna be the guy that she talks to her friends about, I wanna be the guy that always comes first, I wanna be the guy she never wants to leave alone, I wanna be the guy who's hand she's holding, I wanna be the guy she looks at and smiles and then says to her friends, "That's him, he's the one!" but am so scared.

I've never been so SCARED of someone before. Sometimes maybe a little INTIMIDATED, but never scared. But you, you scare me, with your beautiful eyes and your amazing smile. I'm so scared that I will want to LOVE you forever, and you will NEVER WANT ME/want me only for a few moments in your life. I guess it's true that too often we are scared. Scared of what we might not be able to do or have. Scared of what people might THINK if we TRIED. We let fears stand in the way of our HOPES. We say NO when we want to say YES. We sit quietly when we want to scream. And we shout with the others, when we should keep our mouths shut! There are so many things that I want to say to you, but I know I may never will. I'm sure it's for FEAR of what you'll say back, or maybe what you won't say. So the space between what's WRONG and RIGHT is where you'll find me HIDING, waiting for you to MEET me so that I can introduce you to HAPPINESS my BEST FRIEND!

CHAPTER ELEVEN

DEAR DIARY,

Has there ever been a time in your life where you think that you’re IMMUNE to FEELINGS, Then the most UNLIKELY PERSON could reduce you to TEARS, LAUGHTER, or spontaneous declarations of LOVE???!! Have you ever had someone who has so much effect on you, yet no matter how many times you REMIND yourself that you can't be together, you still won't let yourself fall for anyone else?

Well that is how it is with Miss PERKY SLENDER & me...I don't know what it is really, but sometimes it takes EVERYTHING in me to not reach out and run my fingers through her hair or turn around and hug or KISS her when she least EXPECT it!!!

I can't just drift away from her; I can't get on with my life and not give her a SECOND THOUGHT. When I kissed her that day, walking away stopped being an OPTION!

Today, she came to hung out with me till her brother called that he was coming over to check on her. Everything was on point till she took my phone all of a sudden, and deleted all the pics i had taken of her...I must say, I wasn't half as hurt about the pics she deleted than her EXPLANATION for deleting them!!! Gosh, why does it have to be so hard?? Why can't you just tell me how you FEEL, because how you ACT is CONFUSING me; SOMETIMES, You walk by me like I'm NO ONE, then you SMILE at me like I'm ANYONE, yet you HUG me like I'm SOMEONE...

Usually, when any girl looks me in the eyes... I have to look away after about 3 seconds, but with her... I struggle to take my eyes off her! I DON'T THINK OF her AS A CRUSH ANYMORE... she's MORE LIKE A BAD HABIT THAT I CAN'T SHAKE!!

CHAPTER TEN

DEAR DIARY,

Isn't it FUNNY how there are some things you can’t SEE but choose to BELIEVE in? REASONS you have but can’t EXPLAIN? MISTAKES you can’t bring yourself to REGRET? And A LOVE SO HOPELESS BUT YOU STILL CHOOSE TO FIGHT FOR????

Indeed it’s easy to LOVE someone but HARD to let someone love you back. That’s the CHALLENGE of love. FIGHTING WITHOUT KNOWING HOW TO WIN. & sometimes you CONVINCE yourself that you’re already OVER someone. You tell yourself that there is no more LOVE left in your heart BUT the TRUTH is often times, the more you try to CONVINCE yourself, the more you realize how much you still and always will, LOVE & CHERISH the person you’re trying to FORGET, and it's very HARD TO TELL YOUR MIND TO STOP LOVING SOMEONE WHEN YOUR HEART STILL DOES.

I have always been careful & protective of my emotions but my defenses are as fragile as a BUTTERFLY'S WINGS when it comes to MISS PERKY SLENDER...I just can't escape thought of her.

I talked to her this morning tryna convince her to see me around 5pm...But she told me she's got some "GIRLS' STUFF" to do with her girlfriends so she can't see me, disappointed as i was, i had to RESPECT her wish...At 5:30pm, she surprised me by passing through, but like a "bird in a flight" she left right after taking some water...She promised to call after 9pm, but I’d be dead if i had baited my breathe on her promise! Because THE CALL NEVER CAME!!!

Though i know she doesn't see me & think of me the way i see & think of her, I can't help but WISH i could see through her sexy eyes, so i would know what she'd like to SEE...I wish i knew her wishes, so i could give them to her...I wish i DREAMED the same DREAM as she does, so that together we could make them come true...I wish i knew & could do what makes her HAPPY, so i could make her the HAPPIEST girl in the world. But most importantly, I wish i were a cell in her BLOOD, so I’d be sure i was somewhere in her HEART!!!

CHAPTER NINE

DEAR DIARY,

Have you ever met somebody who is ALL WRONG and ALL RIGHT at the same time?? And you feel this MYSTERIOUS yet strong AFFINITY for them except sometimes they just drive you completely INSANE??? 

Have you ever met somebody who has the "magic" to make you wanna get in touch even though you're very BUSY?  or CRAVE for him/her to keep in TOUCH even when you really have NOTHING to say???

Have you ever felt like you have so MUCH to SAY to him/her but don't really know WHAT and HOW???

Sometimes I lie AWAKE looking at the sky, seeing the stars as bright as MISS PERKY'S eyes, waiting impatiently to hear her voice, but it never comes...

It's been 4 days since Miss Perky told me that she's had one of those "emotional talks" with her "bf" & hence can't continue seeing me as frequently as she used to...I must say it's very difficult for me and i finally see the sense in the saying that the WORST WAY TO MISS SOMEONE IS WHEN THEY ARE RIGHT NEXT TO YOU AND YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T HAVE THEM!!!

Gosh, in as much as i try to AVOID her, i can't seem to make any headway, thoughts of her keep invading my thoughts and the harder i try, the more DIFFICULT it seems...I just had to throw caution to the wind & see her today in the morning...when she finally came, i was speechless!! she greeted me with a smile so INFECTIOUS that i instantly had goose bumps all over...THANK GOD I WAS IN LONG SLEEVES!!! Then I managed to mumble "HOW ARE U" to which she responded FINE...my eyes locked with those eyes of hers that make the stars appear like they're not shinning and instantly i felt uneasy & weak in my knees!! 

In that instant I couldn't help but wonder if LOVING SOMEONE KNOWING ITS GOING TO CAUSE YOU PAIN is WORSE than BEING IN PAIN BECAUSE YOU CAN'T LOVE/have SOMEONE???hmmmmmmmm

CHAPTER EIGHT

DEAR DIARY,

Yesterday I fell in love, BUT today feels like my funeral, I'm sitting in my crappy room tryna keep my composure Knowing inside I'm broken and tore up! WHY? Well, I was scheduled to meet my students @ 11am in the morning but had to cancel out on em bcoz Miss Perky had told me the day b4 that she'd come hang out with me..I woke up looking forward to hang out with her but she called to tell me that she's had one of those "EMOTIONAL TALKS" with her "object of interest" & hence can't hang out with me again as she used to...At that moment, how i felt can only be summed up with this question; HAVE YOU EVER been repulsed by SOMEBODY SO MUCH THAT YOU WISH THEY WOULD JUST LEAVE AND NEVER COME BACK BUT YET, LOVED THEM SO MUCH, YOU KNEW YOU'D DIE IF THEY DID??? The truth is sometimes I wish I had never met her because then I could go to SLEEP at night not knowing there was someone like her out there. 

 It's very amazing how one little conversation can change things forever & It is tearing me up on the inside to have these DEEP FEELINGS for her, yet I can neither get rid of them nor does it matter to her.

 I sit here and wonder if she'll ever UNDERSTAND just how much of ME belongs to HER. I wonder what I could do or SAY to make her like me. I wonder what or who I need to be, FOR HER TO BE MINE!! I wonder when just BEING ME will be enough!! But most importantly I wonder if I SHOULD SMILE BCOZ SHE'S MY FRIEND OR CRY BCOZ THAT'S ALL WE MAY EVER GET TO BE!!!hmmmmmmmmmmmmm

CHAPTER SEVEN

DEAR DIARY,

Do you know what it feels like to wake up every day feeling HOPELESS? That the love of your life is waking up with the wrong person? But still wishing somehow they would find HAPPINESS, even if it's not with you??? Have u ever had the feeling u feel when you feel restless waiting for that someone to pay attention or even NOTICE you the way you notice him/her??, Well, that is how i feel about Miss Slender...Indeed, It's an enigma when you fall in love BUT have to accept that some GOOD THINGS may never HAPPEN/ last. Suddenly, you'll begin to see yourself as NOTHING. It's an agony to accept that despite the STRONG FEELINGS you have, it's all NOT ENOUGH. But I BELIEVE when you love someone, you would do the hardest thing. And yes, it's ain't so easy, but at least I know that what I feel about Miss Perky is real!! BUT I also believe the BEST part of loving is not wishing that the person loves you as much as you do, but in the feeling that you love the person for more than you thought you could & AM VERY HAPPY ABOUT HOW I FEEL ABOUT HER

CHAPTER SIX

DEAR DIARY,

Have you ever tried saying you're OK but you're not? Pretending to UNDERSTAND but you don't? Acting like you're BUSY but in reality, you're LONELY? Convincing people that you just wanna be FRIENDS but what you really want is more than friends? When you know that he/she has somebody else, but you PRETEND that it doesn't HURT but it really HURTS so bad INSIDE?? Have you ever tried sleeping with a broken heart?? Well you could try sleeping in my bed and you'd see how that feels!!After talking to MISS PERKY on someone's phone for about 30 mins, my hurt ached & filled with rage that somebody could hurt her so bad as to make her cry!!The more I listened to her pains the more I felt like getting outta my bed & kicking his black ass...I am very crazy about her but she obviously loves somebody else...she is my PRIORITY but i am just her OPTION and I did try HIDING my true FEELINGS, accepting what she really want me to be. I thought it'd be easy but it ain't, especially when am even losing her company bcoz apparently my CLOSENESS to her is causing a strain on her love life. In as much as it HURT me to hear her say that she can't see me, I just had to reason with her especially if that would save her relationship & make her happy!! For her, I'll just try HARDER to ACCEPT and FACE the reality that she'll will learn and appreciate my love. It will only HAPPEN in my DREAMS but if that time comes, I HOPE not to be AWAKEN. I rather SLEEP a lifetime just to prove how much I LOVE HER.

CHAPTER FIVE

DEAR DIARY,

today at about 5:40pm, LADY X came for the last installment of her stuffs with me, i must admit that it was a very painful experience for me, i just couldn't hold back my emotions & tears when she gave me her final goodbye kiss on the cheeks & stormed outta the room...The thousand & one question that kept running through my mind was HOW DO I GET RID OF SOMEONE WHO WON'T GO AND HOW DO I HANG ON TO SOMEONE WHO WON'T STAY???  hmmmmmmm...I just couldn't help but wonder how MISS PERKY has meandered her way & managed to preoccupy my thoughts when am not even close to being in hers...After the LADY X episode, & with my tears flowing incessantly, i can only hope that it's true what they say that sometimes ON YOUR WAY TO A DREAM, YOU GET LOST & FIND A BETTER ONE...

CHAPTER FOUR

DEAR DIARY, 

Today's been kinda painful for me, & sometimes pain becomes such a huge part of our life that we expect it to always be there and we can’t REMEMBER a time in our life that it wasn’t, but then one day you feel something else, something that APPEARS WRONG bcoz it is UNFAMILIAR and in that moment you realize that you are more than HAPPY. Happiness come in many forms - in the company of good friends, in the feeling you get when you make someone else’s DREAM COME TRUE or in the PROMISE OF HOPE RENEWED. Lately, Miss Perky seem to hold the key to my HAPPINESS & when she IGNORES me like she's been doing all afternoon, i feel like SHIT!! I called her friend several times but couldn't get to hear her voice, sent countless peepz after her but she didn't heed to my calls...People say that LOVE is the best gift anyone could give and have. My heart is crushing and I ask myself, “ISN’T IT TRAGIC WHEN I’VE GOT SO MUCH LOVE TO GIVE, YET she doesn't SEEM TO WANT IT?”hmmmmmmmmmm

CHAPTER THREE

DEAR DIARY,

yesterday & today is been fun, i had the pleasure of watching 3 movies with MISS PERKY SLENDER yesterday and the feelings was just indescribable...Today, we worked but i just couldn't concentrate, my thoughts & all about her just makes me glow inside and i crave for her more!! When she stormed outta the room bcoz of GOD KNOWS WHAT, i cried inside, i felt like I’ve lost an indispensable part of me, i bowed my head down & cried bcoz i thought i had lost the ONE TEENAGER WHO MAKES EVERY BEAT OF MY HEART WORTH THE THUMP, then to my utter surprise & delight, she blazed back through the door like the MORNING SUN THROUGH THE DARK CLOUDS!! My heart sang upon the sight of her again...Gosh, how does she make me feel this way??? I can’t help but wonder, yet i just can’t put together the pieces...HER NEARNESS TAKES MY BREATH AWAY; AND ALL THE THINGS I WANT TO SAY CAN FIND NO VOICE. THEN, IN SILENCE, I CAN ONLY HOPE MY EYES WILL SPEAK MY HEART!! I KNOW NOW MORE THAN EVER THAT She's caught my ATTENTION, STOLEN my AFFECTION and ATTRACTED MY EMOTION, and all i wanna do IS FOR HER to live in my EYES not just as a DREAM & WISH but as a SIGHT, & I'D KILL TO LIVE IN HER HEART NOT AS BLOOD BUT AS A BEAT!!!

CHAPTER TWO

DEAR DIARY,

Earlier today i saw her all moody bcoz her bf's bereaved, I knew there & then that i had to do something to cheer her up, so i suspended all prior engagements & talked her into watching movies with me, and as much as i loved her company, nothing made me more happier than seeing her so happy & getting obssessed with "OBSSESSED!!" then outta the blue, it hit her that she ain’t supposed to be happy bcoz her bf is probably crying his lungs out...she didn't even bother to look at the JOLLOF RICE i had gone through so much stress to prepare for her & in as much as it sucked for me, i had to reason with her! She was GONE IN 60 SECONDS & there i knew it'd probably be a while till i see her again & look into her sparkling eyes!! But TO ME, RELATIONSHIPS DOESN’T GET CLOSER BY MEETINGS, BUT IT IS SWEETENED BY THOUGHTS & SHE'S ALWAYS IN MY THOUGHTS. I know I DEEPLY CARE FOR MISS PERKY SLENDER IN MY OWN STRANGE WAYS. MAYBE SHE’LL NEVER KNOW, MAYBE I’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO SHOW IT THE WAY SHE WANNA SEE IT BUT I REALLY DO!! And whenever she hugs me or look into my eyes!! gosh it makes kinda jealous about any guy she's ever hugged bcoz they didn't even know that it was my world they’re hugging!! hmmmmmmmmm

CHAPTER ONE

DEAR DIARY,

Today i yearned for MISS SLENDER more than ever before, and when she ignored my calls for her and chose to talk to the “object of her interest”, it hurt me...but not as much as the pain i felt when i finally saw her and she lied to my face about seeing him!!! Why do I write to you? It's my choice. It's my way of saying I remember you. Why do I remember you? It's my choice. It proves that I care. Why do I care? I don't know, it's not my choice but my heart's!