CHAPTER FIFTEEN

Dear Diary,

Isn't it funny how we sometimes hang on to something we know we're better off LETTING GO? It's like we're SCARED to LOSE what we don't even really have. Some of us say we rather have that SOMETHING than absolutely NOTHING. But the truth is: to have it halfway is harder than not having it all.

Sometimes you think you're already OVER the person but once you see him/her SMILE, you suddenly realize that you're only pretending to be over him/her in a desperate attempt to EASE THE PAIN. Indeed, you can HIDE the PAIN that you feel and make others believe you can easily move on but you can never DENY the TRUTH to yourself that the person who has failed and hurt you is still the person you'll always LOVE.

It's been nine days since I said “I just can't deal with the PAIN” of holding on to MISS PERKY SLENDER… But the truth is, even if you can shut your eyes to the things you don't want to see, can you really close your heart to the things you don't want to FEEL? I don't think so, because to me, trying to forget someone you TRULY LOVE is like trying to remember somebody you don't really know or never even met, and when I say "I LOVE HER," it's not because I want her or because I can't have her. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. I love what/who she is, what she does, how she tries in all she does. I've seen her kindness and her strength. I've seen the best and the worst of her. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly who/what she is. SHE'S A HELL OF A WOMAN!! How can I easily forget her when she's always on my mind? How can I ignore her when she's all I want inside? How can I easily let her go when I can't see us apart or imagine my life without her? How can I not love her when she still controls my heart & makes every beat worth the thump? How can i not love her when she makes me smile without trying. It's the way she makes me laugh by the simplest of things. It's the way her eyes shine when she's excited. It's the way she mentions my name. It's the way she gets giddy over the smallest things. It's the way she talks to me. It's the way she makes me feel alive & hearty. It's the way she's broken my defenses and totally got me falling. That's just but a few of the innumerable reasons why its gotta be YOU.

They say to LOVE someone is supposed to be the most wonderful FEELING. It should INSPIRE you and give you JOY and STRENGTH, but isn't it rather ironic that sometimes the things that give you JOY & strength can actually hurt you in the end? I guess LOVE doesn't always SUCCEED. But it always TEACHES us to let go if we can no longer HOLD ON.

 Indeed, it's not easy to live life sometimes and face the world with a SMILE when you're CRYING inside. And though letting go of someone DEAR to you is hard, holding on to someone who doesn't even FEEL the same is much HARDER. It is really painful to say GOODBYE to someone you really can't/don't want to LET GO, but it is even more PAINFUL to ask the person to stay when you know you can never make it work out the way it should be..

To me, to let go isn't to forget, not think about, or ignore. It doesn't leave feelings of ANGER, JEALOUSY, or REGRET. Letting go isn't WINNING, and it isn't LOSING either. It's not about PRIDE, and it's not about how you APPEAR, and it's not obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go isn't blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and doesn't leave EMPTINESS, HURT or SADNESS. It's not GIVING IN or GIVING UP. Letting go isn't about LOSS, and it's not DEFEAT. To let go is to CHERISH MEMORIES, but to overcome and to MOVE ON. It is having an open mind and confidence in the future. Letting go is ACCEPTING. It is learning and experiencing and growing. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you LAUGH, made you CRY and made you GROW. It's about all that you have, all that you had and all that you will soon GAIN. Letting go is having the courage to ACCEPT CHANGE, and the strength to keep moving. Letting go is GROWING UP. It is realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy. To let go is to open a door, and to clear a path and to set YOURSELF FREE!