CHAPTER TWENTY

DEAR DIARY

Have you ever wondered what’s WORSE than wanting something you can’t have?

I believe it is NOT KNOWING what you want. Wishing on all the STARS in the sky for the answers to your numerous questions, for something to believe in…someone to hold. Having absolutely no CONTROL over yourself, being caught up in a place you WISH you were miles away from. Being stuck somewhere between the PAST and the FUTURE, and being nowhere near where you should be - in the present. Being stuck in yesterdays and tomorrows, so far from home, far from everything you know and LOVE. The uncertainty about the FUTURE could just tear you to bits.

Sometimes you meet certain people that can TOUCH your SOUL in certain ways most people can't. But you have to let them go because you realize that it just isn't the BEST TIME in your life for them to come. It seems like you meet the PERFECT people just when you can't handle them... And it’s hard letting go of something that you did(n't) know you were HOPING for... but not every RELATIONSHIP – be it friendship or romantic - is meant to last FOREVER.  And sometimes the best thing you can do is take a step back and give yourself a chance to breathe.

Today is Miss Perky’s birthday and just as I did same time last year, I have a surprise planned for her. However, to make her birthday surprise from me more surprising, I pretended as though I had forgotten it’s her b’day. At around 21:00 GMT, I received a heartbreaking text message from her. In her message, she was so pissed about the fact that she’s not heard from me on her b’day and that she “can’t continue being friends with me anymore!” Ever since I got that message from her, I feel as though my whole world has grinded to a halt! I mean, who in her right mind will ditch a friend over such an issue? Could it be that all this time, the only reason she’s with me and hangs around is because of what she GETS from me? The content of her text message was so painful that I literary cancelled all my appointments with my students and others and kept to myself all-day….

Hmmm, it is really FUNNY how LIFE changes. You get all lined up just the way you like it, and then something far beyond your CONTROL comes along and bumps you off center. How nice it would be if you could get anything just the way you want it and say, “okay, now stay.” But nothing STAYS the same. You grow up, make friends, lose friends, go to college/university, lose track of people, meet new friends/people, and sometimes you ask yourself why.

But all I know and can tell you is that every single EXPERIENCE you go through has changed you in some way. Every new person who comes into your life changes you. Every moral dilemma or emotional experience you come up against changes you. It’s your job to decide how exactly it changes you. That’s how character is developed!

To my dearest MISS PERKY, you’ve taught me and showed me many things. You’ve taught me that I can LOVE, that people can (pretend to) CARE about me. You showed me the feeling of being in someone’s arms when they MEAN the world to you. The feelings of COMPASSION. So many wonderful things. I thank you for that. You’ve also showed me that people BREAK PROMISES, that people don’t always hold TRUE to their word. You’ve taught me that you can LOVE someone more than anything in the world, yet HATE them just as much. That just because someone says something, that doesn’t mean it’s TRUE. You’ve showed me how bad it HURTS to have the girl you LOVE and mistakenly thought cared about you, push you away and treat you as if you are WORTHLESS. You’ve showed me wonderful things just as well as HORRIBLE things. I do thank you for both. You’ve now prepared me for the harsh world I am entering or already find myself in. You’ve thought me the hard way that people who say they CARE about you don’t always.

"Love is blind," we hear this all the time. People will use this phrase to describe a situation in which someone who is ENAMORED is not seeing the FAULTS of another. Oftentimes people become so OBSESSED with having a SPECIAL person in their life that they close their eyes to the things they should be looking at; and later they end up getting hurt. People who BLIND themselves make a willful decision to blind themselves, just to enjoy a superficial and fleeting pleasure, or emotion. LOVE IS NOT BLIND; I have come to believe it is rather people who blind themselves to the things they should be looking at.

When it comes to true love, we should look at a person's character, commitment, manners, respect, virtue, integrity among many other things. We should also look at their good and bad habits, their history, how they treat the opposite sex, how they treat their parents or siblings etc. We should never be blind to these things. True love deals with the WHOLE TRUTH about a person because true love desires to love the whole person; and if a person is not looking for the same thing we are looking for--true love--we should not give them a GIFT they are not worthy of receiving; you can be sure they will trample on it. Real love sees everything because real love seeks truth. Let's be guided by truth, never by SELF-DECEPTION.

Furthermore, I have come to believe that when one speaks of love, one must not immediately equate it to romantic love between two partners. Love is beyond that. Love is affection. Love is caring for another. Love is the general concern and care for another person. To those in the “FRIEND ZONE” who were seemingly placed there by the ones they truly loved, do not weep, nor stammer, nor criticize love itself in blind anger. Rather, try to UNDERSTAND. The reason he or she may have placed you there in the “friend zone” may be because he or she saw the UN-READINESS for the RELATIONSHIP. He or she might fear you getting hurt. He or she might have done so due to social schisms, despite really wanting to. He or she might have done so because he or she loves you too. And love does not always mean 'yes’ to a date request!

Though it hurts me to the core that MISS PERKY will literary dump me simply because I delayed in her b’day surprise, I am glad I met her and all the things she’s indirectly taught me about women.

And most importantly, lately, I find myself gradually being drawn to MISS CUTIE, I call her that because she’s literary the cutest person I’ve ever met. As to whether it’s going to be another painful story of unrequited love with her also, only time will tell!

WATCH OUT FOR MORE!