CHAPTER TWELVE

DEAR DIARY,

Have you ever wondered which hurts the most-LOVING SOMEONE YOU CAN'T HAVE AND HAVING SOMEONE YOU CAN'T LOVE? Have you ever met someone whom you feel LOVING is like trying to touch a star, because you know you can never reach him/her, but you can't help but try?? Have you ever wished for LOVE by day, and dream about it at night, but it seems as though you may never find it. Then all of the sudden it comes. All that you've wished and dreamed for is there, just a hundredfold better. And you know that nothing you could have ever imagined could compare to the way you feel when you're with this person, but she's already taken!

Today, MISS PERKY SLENDER passed by my place and though she was smiling all through, I knew she didn't MEAN it. I realized She misses how THEY used to be... she misses how it was so REAL, how they CARED for each other without END but most of all, she misses him always being there and telling her everything will be OKAY because she NEEDS that now, more than ever. 

When she started singing SUPERHUMAN by CHRIS BROWN & KERI HILSON, I saw in her eyes that she's sick of FEELING like something's MISSING! She sits alone or covers herself with her big bed sheet so nobody sees the tears that fall, nobody understands, or feels her pain. I would have told that I'll never know what it's truly like to be her. But I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in or have it all, but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside!

Indeed, it's painful to see whom you LOVE/wish were yours happy with someone else but there is nothing more PAINFUL than the sight of someone whom you LOVE/wish were yours CRYING for someone else! I guess it's true what they say that for every HEART that finds LOVE, there is a heart that CRIES, For every dream that is re-born there is a dream that dies, For every day in sunlight, there is a day of rain, For every hour filled with joy there is an hour of pain, For every smile upon a face there is a tear to cry!

I really wanna be the guy to dry her tears. I wanna be the guy that she talks to her friends about, I wanna be the guy that always comes first, I wanna be the guy she never wants to leave alone, I wanna be the guy who's hand she's holding, I wanna be the guy she looks at and smiles and then says to her friends, "That's him, he's the one!" but am so scared.

I've never been so SCARED of someone before. Sometimes maybe a little INTIMIDATED, but never scared. But you, you scare me, with your beautiful eyes and your amazing smile. I'm so scared that I will want to LOVE you forever, and you will NEVER WANT ME/want me only for a few moments in your life. I guess it's true that too often we are scared. Scared of what we might not be able to do or have. Scared of what people might THINK if we TRIED. We let fears stand in the way of our HOPES. We say NO when we want to say YES. We sit quietly when we want to scream. And we shout with the others, when we should keep our mouths shut! There are so many things that I want to say to you, but I know I may never will. I'm sure it's for FEAR of what you'll say back, or maybe what you won't say. So the space between what's WRONG and RIGHT is where you'll find me HIDING, waiting for you to MEET me so that I can introduce you to HAPPINESS my BEST FRIEND!