CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Dear Diary,

They say the sweetest word is "I LOVE YOU." and the hardest is "GOODBYE." But what if you discovered that he/she doesn't really LOVE/want you? Would you choose the bitterness of GOODBYE or choose the SWEETEST LIE?

Two days before today, Miss Perky & I agreed that we’d ride on the same bus to go check on her mum; I have been looking forward to this two hour trip with her and even proceeded to cancel out all my prior engagements only for her to call at the eleventh hour to cancel out on me. Apparently, the “object of her interest” also wanted to see her the same time we had planned to make the trip together. I decided to drown my tears by watching movies all day, at about 5pm; she called to tell me all about how she & the “object of her interest” had spent the whole day consummating their love! Gosh, at that instant, I just didn’t know whether I should be HAPPY for her because her seemingly dysfunctional relationship is finally getting back on track, or I should CRY because I may never get the chance to go out with her!

I mean seriously? Isn’t it FUNNY how someone can HURT you so much, and they don't even realize what they are doing to you? I am perfectly HAPPY being her FRIEND, in fact I LOVE it... I just have this incredible urge to KISS her, that doesn't go away... and this UNCONTROLLABLY STRONG FEELING that we would be PERFECT together.

It’s funny how, one day you look at the person and you see something more than you did the day/night before. Like a switch has been flicked somewhere. And the person who was supposed to be just a FRIEND is suddenly the only person you can ever imagine yourself with. And, the hardest part is being around her knowing you can't have her and she may never want you the way you want her to want you.

Lately, I feel like letting go. That the grasp that I have tried to hold onto so tightly for so long - I finally feel like it’s best to let go... perhaps one day she will come back to me, perhaps she won't... all I know is that I may never hold onto someone that tightly ever again! It’s ironic how sometimes the one love you can't seem to get over is the one love you never really had.

Even though I love MISS PERKY so much, I just can't deal with the PAIN. And, the times we spent together, holding/hugging each other, talking about everything & nothing at all, were one of the BEST TIMES of my life. But no matter how much I wanted to keep her in my arms, I couldn't. I couldn't hold on to her, knowing that all she was most likely going to do was hurt me. I used to think that if I LOVED her ENOUGH, she would realize it and love me back, but I can only LOVE SO MUCH FOR SO LONG!