CHAPTER TWENTY THREE

Dear Diary,

I know it’s been over three (3) years since we last talked. I missed you and a lot has happen since our last time. Somewhere in the three (3) years, I fell in love and had a relationship with Barbie (not her real name) at two (2) separate time intervals.

In the first instance, she broke things off after I got involved in a near fatal accident whiles I was on my way to see her for a very important “event” in her life. I was totally devastated by the physical pain from the accident and the emotional pain from her breaking up with me. I ended up being treated (by a clinical psychiatrist) for depression and severe body pains as well as sleep deprivation.

Months later, she crawled back into my life amidst tears after learning about the TRUE circumstances surrounding why I couldn't make it to SUPPORT her on her special day... Given my past experiences with her, for a split second, I chose to perceive her as though she was nobody special in the larger scheme of my life. I tried to convince my self that she was just some girl who had tied me to her leg to help her sink when she jumped off the bridge.  But in actuality (she’s like the Sun. At just the right distance, she gives me life, but if I got too close, she would burn me) I blinked and 
was back in love with her all over again! 

Things were running smoothly when she came back into my life till she dropped another break up “bomb” on me recently (with her only explanation being that I HAVE NOT OFFENDED HER IN ANYWAY but she’s "fallen out of love") just when I was about to write a very important examination in my career. The shock and pain of the second break up led to my eventual failure in that exams and suicidal thoughts crept into my head especially after a post on her social media account suggested she had been having affair behind my back all the while! That was when I realized that sometimes all love does is hurt people. It lulls you into a false sense of security, and then bam!  You slam into a brick wall of pain.  A shit ton of pain. Sometimes love destroys people to the point where they don’t even care who else they hurt in the process

Diary, I am at a point where I sometimes feel as though maybe I am destined to forever fall in love with people I couldn't have. Maybe there’s a whole assortment of ‘impossible’ people waiting for me to find them. Waiting to make me feel the same impossibility over and over again. But today, I can’t help but wonder:

•  What do you do when the one person you want comfort from the most is the  one who caused your ultimate pain? 
• How can I want so desperately for her to wrap me up in her arms but also want so much for her to leave me the fuck alone?

Growing up, I was made to understand that Love is never supposed to hurt. Love is supposed to heal, to be your haven from misery, to make living worthwhile! 

• But what the fuck do you do when the one person you’d take a bullet for is the one pointing the gun at you?? !!!

Indeed there’s nothing more painfully heartbreaking than to come to the realization that the one you love, the one you would do anything to protect, is the same person who is literary pointing the gun at you & causing your downfall and making you lose your sense of self!

But I have learnt the hard way that, in this life, however much you wanted someone to “want” you, there's nothing you could do to make it happen. Whatever you did for them, whatever you gave them, whatever you let them take, it could never be enough. Never enough to be sure. Never enough to satisfy them. Never enough to stop them walking away regardless of how wrong the timing is!

Indeed, the loss of a loved one is like the loss of a part of oneself; an arm or a leg. At first, the pain is so SEVERE and draining that it is hard to ignore. The trauma is so intense that the mind finds it hard to cope with the loss. But I guess with time the pain eases, the body recovers and the brain figures out new ways to go on with a new understanding and acceptance that some people come in your life and make you believe that your life is incomplete without them. Then they leave, creating a void in your heart that may fill back with time but will never be complete. 

Indeed some relationships aren't meant to last. They are worthy only till the time the two persons involved have time for each other. They do not know eternity. They live for the present, the "now". And when distance plays it part, or life turns out to be busy, they fall apart.

For those of you going through hell because of love, I encourage you not to ruin your life over somebody else’s heartlessness or foolishness and/or immaturity. If they want to leave, let them leave! Manipulating, begging, or coercing someone to stay with you is an insult to SELF. Have confidence in yourself! Know your worth! Take a stand for YOU. You deserve to be loved, respected, and appreciated by someone who’s genuinely in love with you. It may hurt to let go, but trying to force someone to stay with you is more damaging than you realize. Sharing pillow talk with the wrong people can make a "hard bed" to lie on, and will surely lead to nightmares in your relationship. It’s VERY unhealthy. Set Yourself Free! Be a Priority to Yourself!

And to my dear Barbie, yes I will always miss the person I thought you are. But not the selfish, insensitive and heartless person you turned out to be!